MYTHS ABOUT EXPRESSED ANGER: #1 Talking Out Anger Gets Rid Of It - O At Least It Makes You Feel Better

How often have you heard yourself say, "It feels good to complain to a sympathetic friend." We often describe it as exhilerating. There is something euphoric about getting a supportive reaction that you don't get if you just wait for the anger to be over.

However, the truth of the matter is that talking out an emotion, such as anger, doesn't reduce it, it rehearses it. The belief that talking it out is cathartic assumes that there is a single emotion to be released, but clinically you seldom find "pure" emotions. Most are a combinations that reflect the complexity of the problem and of our lives: hurt and jealousy, rage and fear,  sadness and desire, joy and guilt. Venting only one component of the mix, therefore, emphasizes to to the exclusion of the others. For example, you are upset with your spouse and you go off with some of your friends to mull things over, you may, in talking it out, decided you are really furious, after all. You aren't ventilating the anger; you are practicing it. As you recite your grievances, your emotional arousal builds up again, making you feel as angry as you did when the infuriating event first happened. In addition, establishing an attitude about the source of your rage. Talking about your anger can freeze a hostile disposition.

Now, none of this is to make a case for keeping quiet when you are angry, as some people think. The point is to understand what happens when you do decide to express anger, and to realize how our perceptions about the causes of anger can be affected just by talking about them and deciding on an interpretation. Each one of us find our own compromise between talking too much, and expressing every little thing that irritates, and not talking at all, passively accepting the injustices we feel. Discussing your anger can lead to practical solutions, but it can also become obsessive, useless wheel-spinning. Constant complaining and bickering can be a sign of capitulation to misery, or, as it is for many people with serious illnesses or disabilities, a sign of determination t live and fight for life.

I close with the words of my father: "If you can't say something nice about a person, don't say anything at all - at least if you want your anger to dissipate and your associations to remain congenial. But if you want to stay angry, if you want to use your anger, keep talking.