Overcoming Chronic Anger

Anger involves the mind, the body, and the behavioral habits that people have acquired over the years in coping with emotions. Because the resolution of anger, like its creation, is a matter of mind and body, people who want to "let go" of anger have to rearrange their thinking as well as lower their pulse rates. This why therapies that rely primarily on emotional release, or for that matter on relaxation techniques, are attending to only half of the problem. Yelling "You jerk!" is rarely helpful because it pumps up your blood pressure while doing nothing about the jerk who is bothering you. Engaging in meditation exercises may be enormously calming while you are participating in it, but you still have to deal with the jerk the next day.

When dealing with clients who have chronic anger I help them address the mind (teaching the person to identify the perceptions and interpretations that generate anger), the body (teaching relaxation and cooling-off techniques to help the person calm down), and behavior (teaching new habits and skills).

Anger arousing perceptions may include such statements as:

• "It's not fair"
• "She's condescending to me"
• "I deserve better than this"

Anger Intensifying Habits may include such things as:

• Yelling
• Sulking and pouting
• Plotting revenge
• Hitting
• Arguing while angry

The first step to begin managing your anger is for you to become an expert on your anger. I recommend that clients keep an anger diary that tracks what triggers the anger; the fregquency of the anger;  the intensity of the anger;  the duration of the anger (five minutes, days); and the mode of expression of the anger (What did you do?).

What I find happens is that you begin to see a pattern to their anger - that it occurs in particular situations, or with particular people, or under particular provocations. You begin to see that anger is not entirely in the "self" but in the situation, and the focus of the solution changes. Keeping an anger diary also demystifies the emotion, showing you tht anger isn't  an "uncontrollable force".

Next anger is started and maintained by the statements we make to ourselves and others when we are provoked. (ie Who does she think she is?)  I teach people  how to control anger by reinterpreting the supposed provocation. (ie Maybe he's having a rough day". 

There are several ways inwhich you might talk to yourself  when you begin to feel angry in  an effort to reappraise the situation.

Cool Thoughts: "This battle isn't worth it" or "Just stay cool and take a couple of deep breaths and chill out."

Problem Solving Thoughts: "It's OK to feel annoyed, but it's just a hassle to deal with." or "OK develop a plan. What's the first thing that I want to do?"

Ultimate Control And Escape Routes: " Bottom line, I'm in control. I can always walk away rather than lose it." or "It's OK to take time out. Move away, get your act together, then come back and deal with it."

Self-Rewarding Thoughts: "Good, I'm hanging in there." or "I feel great because I am coping with the hassle rather than screaming."

Another way of reappraising is to incorporate humor. Humor is therapeutic because it has a physiological component (it reduces tension) and a psychological one (it helpes people rethink a problem and set some distance on it). When used on the target of your anger, it often defuses hostility and makes friendly discussion possible (or at least defangs the opposition). It allows people to travel to the middle route between passive submission on one side and a futile battle with reality on the other.
Good humored laughter at oneself may really be the best antidote to anger.

In summary, the best techniques for addressing chronic anger focus on learning how to avoid getting angry in the first place; learning how to relax and calm yourself down; and learning new skills to break the habitual response to anger.

MYTHS ABOUT EXPRESSED ANGER: #1 Talking Out Anger Gets Rid Of It - O At Least It Makes You Feel Better

How often have you heard yourself say, "It feels good to complain to a sympathetic friend." We often describe it as exhilerating. There is something euphoric about getting a supportive reaction that you don't get if you just wait for the anger to be over.

However, the truth of the matter is that talking out an emotion, such as anger, doesn't reduce it, it rehearses it. The belief that talking it out is cathartic assumes that there is a single emotion to be released, but clinically you seldom find "pure" emotions. Most are a combinations that reflect the complexity of the problem and of our lives: hurt and jealousy, rage and fear,  sadness and desire, joy and guilt. Venting only one component of the mix, therefore, emphasizes to to the exclusion of the others. For example, you are upset with your spouse and you go off with some of your friends to mull things over, you may, in talking it out, decided you are really furious, after all. You aren't ventilating the anger; you are practicing it. As you recite your grievances, your emotional arousal builds up again, making you feel as angry as you did when the infuriating event first happened. In addition, establishing an attitude about the source of your rage. Talking about your anger can freeze a hostile disposition.

Now, none of this is to make a case for keeping quiet when you are angry, as some people think. The point is to understand what happens when you do decide to express anger, and to realize how our perceptions about the causes of anger can be affected just by talking about them and deciding on an interpretation. Each one of us find our own compromise between talking too much, and expressing every little thing that irritates, and not talking at all, passively accepting the injustices we feel. Discussing your anger can lead to practical solutions, but it can also become obsessive, useless wheel-spinning. Constant complaining and bickering can be a sign of capitulation to misery, or, as it is for many people with serious illnesses or disabilities, a sign of determination t live and fight for life.

I close with the words of my father: "If you can't say something nice about a person, don't say anything at all - at least if you want your anger to dissipate and your associations to remain congenial. But if you want to stay angry, if you want to use your anger, keep talking.